If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.