When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
You Might Also Like
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.