I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
You Might Also Like
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I hope they boil the right one.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games