Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
iPhone X
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Passwords are more important than ever.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?