Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school