Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.