My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.