Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
You Might Also Like
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.