A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Finally
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫