I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I am HOWLING at this
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Social Media and Real life
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.