Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay