7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
The Punning Dead.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off