Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I pray every night that I never become religious…
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: