netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
📽️movie date🎞️
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
🙁
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.