Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
You Might Also Like
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
fair
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I’m giving up for Lent.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me in tagged photos
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.