The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
You Might Also Like
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I’m aging like a fine banana
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy