Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I have never related to anyone more.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
paddle faster i hear baby shark
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]