[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”