My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
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When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Bike for sale
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver