my mom making me talk to relatives
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts