*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
No regrets in 2018