I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
you stereotypes are all alike
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I love you…
…r dog.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?