me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.