How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
You Might Also Like
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
just having fun
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.