If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.