Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.