Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
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Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie