My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met