wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
An odd boast
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.