Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Risking my life for fun.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”