If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I want what they have
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway