don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.