“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
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My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
They’re not wrong
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.