When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.