i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex