Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Reporter: *ports again*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill