what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.