[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
United Steaks of America
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️