Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
They’re stuck in your pants?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.