Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
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The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
my mind
You just read my mind
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman