If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.