Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
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(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
me: what鈥檚 the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what鈥檚 the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I鈥檒l keep you posted.