I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
You Might Also Like
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.