Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
(yawn)
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: