BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
When I can’t barge, I careen.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Velcrow
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Breaking news:
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]