I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
S M O L
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok