My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Not helping
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it