Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*serious situation*
My brain:
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.