I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
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Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?