detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Who.
Did.
This?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
There’s no “u” in narcissist
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.